All in the Family Barney Miller crossover
by RA'AY'MOND
Summary: Mike is arrested, and taken to the 12th precinct. Archie and Maude bail him out. That's when the fun begins.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION WILL HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

After his sprint up the stairs, Wojo quickly swings the squad room door open as he rushes into the office. He walks over to the attendance board to peg himself on duty. Only after this is done does he bother to say hello to his fellow detectives.

Nick looks at his watch after returning Wojo's hello. Wojo sees this and defensively tells Nick, "I'm on time!"

Nick shoots him a deadpan look as he replies, "Just."

After taking off his coat and placing it on a rack, Wojo gives Nick a good-natured smirk as he makes his way toward his own desk. He then picks up the last donut before sitting down. Barney almost bumps into him as he walks out of his office to pour himself some coffee. When Barney makes eye contact with Wojo he looks at his wristwatch while saying, "Good morning Wojo."

Without thinking Wojo defensively replies, "Barney, I'm not late! I'm on time today!"

Barney replies, "Just."

When Nick hears this, he smiles as he looks up to tell Barney, "Hey Barn, when he told me that, I said the exact same thing."

Before Barney replies, Dietrich jumps in and says, "I guess it's true what they say. Superior intelligences cogitate correspondingly."

Harris stops typing up his arrest report when he hears Dietrich's apparent misquote. He confidently smiles as he corrects Dietrich by saying, "Hey Arthur, Don't you mean 'great minds think alike'?

Dietrich leans a little closer as he grins at his fellow detective while saying, "Hey! If you think so, I guess it's true."

Harris looks a little confused by the comment. He is not sure what Dietrich meant by it. The only thing that he is sure of is that he took Dietrich's bait. Harris has a sour look on his face as he goes back to typing. He tells the man whom he's booking. "First and last name please."

The man responds, "Michael Stivic. The last name is spelled just like it sounds." When Wojo over hears the man say this, he looks up and asks him, "Stivic, that's Polish Right?"

**PART **

**TWO **

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

**Yeah. A little more then 500 words. A little less then two pages long. I wanted to see what it's like to write a short story for a change.**

3


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION WILL HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

Mike answers Wojo's question about if his name is Polish, or not. After Saying, "Yes, my name is Polish." He starts to ask Wojo if he is Polish. Mike never gets the chance. Wojo smiles and asks him in Polish, 1 "_Czy mowisz po Polsku_?"

When Mike hears this, he has a look of total shock on his face. These cops seem a lot nicer then some others that he has dealt with in the past. However, he never expected one of them to great him with a smile on his face, speaking in Polish no less.

His look of shock is replaced by a friendly grin that mirrors the big detective's. Who by the way, is still waiting for an answer. He then tells Wojo, 2 "_Tak, rozumiern. Milo mi. Jak masz na imie_?"

Wojo tells Mike in English, "My name is Stanley Wojciehowicz." At the very same time both men smile and point at each other as they say, "_Spell it like it sounds_!"

Wojo walks closer, and tells Mike, "Boy, it sure is nice to meet some one new who can speak Polish. But I sorry that you had to get arrested for it to happen. If you don't mind me asking Mr. Stivik, what're you in for?"

Mike shifts in his chair toward Wojo as he says, "Nothing too serious. I was part of a peaceful demonstration out side of the Chinese Embassy this morning. We were publicly condemning China for invading Tibet. And for their cruel oppression of the Tibetan people. When we quietly and politely refused to disperse, we were arrested." At this point in the conversation, Mike spreads his arms out slightly as he looks around the squad room and says, "And here I am."

Wojo looks a little confused as he points his half-eaten donut at Detective Ron Harris and asks, "Hey Harris, wasn't that demonstration further up town, near Lincoln Center and Columbus Circle? That's Manhattan North's precinct right?"

Harris takes a puff of his cigarette. He taps off some ash into the ashtray, and exhales before telling Wojo, "Yeah, that's right. But there were so many people arrested, Manhattan North shipped a few off to other local precincts for processing. Harris jerks his head toward Mike as he continues, "And he's right about the 'quietly and politely' part. Since there was no screaming, shouting or violence during the demonstration, we're only giving out desk appearance tickets once we've processed them."

Satisfied, Wojo then turns back toward Mike and asks him, "So I never heard any thing about China invading Tibet. When did this happen?"

Before Mike can answer, Dietrich grins as he jumps into the conversation and says, "I think that I can answer that."

POLISH/ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS:

1 **Wojo to Mike**: "_Czy mowisz po Polsku_?" - **Do you speak Polish**?

2 **Mike to Wojo**: "_Tak, rozumiern. Milo mi. Jak masz na imie_?" - **Yes, I understand. What is your name**?

**PART **

**THREE**

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

3


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part III**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION WILL HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

Dietrich stops typing up the desk appearance ticket for the semi-conscious demonstrator at his desk. He looks at Mike, Harris and Wojo. He smiles broadly as he says, "The People's Republic of China invaded Tibet in 1949. They eventually took full control of that nation on March 10th, 1959. They surrounded and fired artillery shells upon the Palace of _Thubten Gyatso_, the 14th Dali Lama."

Dietrich then briefly pauses as he turns to face Detective Harris and says, "The Dali Lama is still considered by most of the people of Tibet as both a spiritual, and religious leader. A living god-king, if you will."

Upon hearing Dietrich's dramatic pause, Harris rolls his eyes and sighs out loud. He actually does like and respect Dietrich. He just cannot stand the way his partner acts like a know it all.

Dietrich as usual, ignores Harris's reaction to him. He then turns and looks toward Wojo and says, "It is commonly believed that People's Republic of China hopped to convince the Dali lama to surrender, and use him to keep his subjects under control. However, he was persuaded by his advisors to flee the capital, and set-up a government in exile in northern India. In the dead of the night, dressed as a _common beggar_, he escaped under the very noses of the Chinese solders pursuing him and his followers."

Almost every one listening, including Harris paid full attention to the last part of Dietrich's telling of this real life adventure story. Everyone that is, except for Mike. Half way through the story, he does what he always does whenever he is in deep thought. He looks toward the nearest wall, and concentrates.

Once Dietrich is done, Mike snaps out of his trance and quietly tells Dietrich, "Uh, excuse me officer. You are basically correct. However, some of your facts are a little, mixed up."

Once Mike says that, Harris, Wojo and Dietrich all look up in shocked surprise.

Harris is the first one to say any thing. He looks form Dietrich, then back to Mike. He opens is eyes wider then he ever has in his life. He then points toward Dietrich with his thumb while asking, "Mr. Stivik, you mean to tell me that, Detective Sergeant Arthur Dietrich, is wrong?"

Wojo swallows the last of his donut as he moves just a little closer to hear Mike's answer.

Mike is now feeling more than a little self-conscious for contradicting the detective. So, he does his best to give an honest, yet political answer. He looks at Dietrich and says, "You're correct about the _major_ facts of the invasion. It's just two _small_ details that you got wrong. _Tenzin Gyatso_ is the correct name of the _current, 14th_ Dali lama. _Thubten Gyatso, _the name that you mentioned was the name of his _predecessor_, the _13__th_ Dali Lama. He passed away in 1933."

Harris is now grinning like a mental patient. He shifts his chair toward Mike as he asks, "Well don't stop now man. What's the second thing that Dietrich was wrong about?" Harris turns toward Dietrich, while grinning ear to ear, laughing slightly during the end of that sentence.

Mike has decided that he does not want to get any more involved in whatever little drama that these two men seem to be involved in. He looks at Harris, and shakes his head no while saying, "It's such a small detail, I fill petty even bringing it up. Never mind."

Before Harris can protest, Wojo tells Mike, "I'm not enjoying this nearly as much as Harris. But you got'a under stand some thing, Dietrich is _never_ wrong about _anything_! So you got'a tell us what the second thing is."

Harris convulsively nods his head yes. He then nervously looks from Wojo, and back toward Mike. He then desperately pleads to Mike, "Yeah man! You can't just leave us hanging." Harris then stage whispers to Mike, "You don't know! You just don't know! _Come on, I need this man_!"

Dietrich calmly looks at Mike and says, "Go ahead, and tell them. They'll never be able to go to sleep tonight if you don't." Harris nods his head yes so hard, his afro looks like it may fall off.

Once it's clear that Sergeant Dietrich won't take offence, Mike says, "Your other _minor_ error was your description of the Dalai Lama when he escaped. You said that he was dressed like a _common beggar_. Actually, he was disguised as a _Tibetan soldier_."

Harris listens with great delight as Mike corrects Dietrich for the _second_ time in a row

Dietrich quietly goes over the facts in his head before saying, "Are you sure about that Mr. Stivik?"

Mike looks around Harris's desk while saying, "Sure, I read it in the pamphlet that was handed out right before the demonstration. It's with my other personal effects."

As soon as Mike says that, Harris reaches over to the large manila envelope that Mike's things were put into. He rips open the top and pulls out the pamphlet. Wojo and Harris both read it at the same time. Harris then uses his finger as a guide while reading out loud, "There it is, _Tenzin Gyatso_ name of the _current_ Dali lama. And he dressed as a _Tibetan foot solder _during his midnight escape form Chinese troops."

Wojo grins at Mike as he says, "It looks like your right Mr. Stivik."

Harris grins like the cat that just ate the canary as he turns toward Dietrich and says, "And it looks like your _wrong_ Arthur!"

Dietrich dispassionately looks upon the scene without saying a word. Just then, Arthur Dietrich's semi-conscious protester wakes up. He tells him, "Hey man. I was saving this for later, but you look like you need it a lot more than I do."

He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a joint. He hands it to Dietrich while telling him, "You missed this when you searched me earlier Mr. Police officer man." After this surprising revelation, the drugged-up protestor falls back into his trance.

Wojo and Harris exchange quiet, amused smiles with each other. Meanwhile, Dietrich just looks at the joint that has just been handed to him and says, "It's just not my day."

Harris slides a brown bag that is on his desk in front of Mike while saying, "Hey Mr. Stivik, I stopped over at the new French pastry shop down the block on my way to work this morning. I brought a cream filled pastry, and a cup of specially brewed French roast coffee. Would you like to have it?"

Harris smiles as he turns toward Dietrich and says, "Besides Mr. Stivik, you've earned it!" Dietrich looks up from the joint that was just handed to him. He has a rare look of confusion on his face.

Mike's eyes get bigger by the second as he looks at the sweet-smelling bag in front of him. He snaps out of his greed-induced trance long enough to tell Harris, "Eh, thanks, but no thanks Sergeant. I can't eat your breakfast."

Harris smiles as he rips the bag open in front of Mike and says, "Not to worry Mr. Stivik! I already had breakfast before leaving for work today. I'm not hungry at all."

Without a second thought, Mike then tells Harris, "Thank you", before starting to consuming the contents of the bag.

Mike is now feeling like he's sitting on top of the world. Then Fish comes over and asks him, "Ah, excuse me sir. Is your name Mr. Michael Stivik?" Once Mike Nods his Pastry/coffee filled head yes, Fish continues, "I just got a call from Manhattan North. It seems that some of your in-laws were in a cab, and saw you being taken into custody during the demonstration. They're on their way down here to pick you up. A Mr. Archie Bunker. And a Ms. Maude Findlay. They should be arriving here any minute."

As Fish walks back to his desk, Mike says out loud, "Archie and Maude together? Oh boy!"

**PART **

**FOUR**

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

A little longer than I wanted. But it wasn't easy catching Dietrich making a mistake.

Archie and Maude will be here for part four. So should you.

5


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part IV**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I MAKE ANY PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.

As Wojo watches Fish walk away, he becomes curious about Mike's reaction to the family members that are coming to pick him up. He turns and asks, "Hey Mr. Stivik, who's Archie and Maude? I'm only asking because when you heard their names you made a face."

Mike swallows a mouth full of pastry and coffee before answering, "Well, Maude is my cousin in law. She's somewhat like Bella Abzug on steroids. You could say that she's a woman one hundred years _ahead_ of her time."

Wojo tries to picture this in his head, and then decides to move on to the next question. "So, what about this Archie guy?"

As those assembled look on, Mike opens his mouth and stares at the wall. He is trying to think of a _polite_ way to describe Archie. He finally says, "Let's put it this way, one hundred years ago Archie would still be one hundred years _behind_ the times."

Everyone there, including the semi-conscious protester turn to Wojo for his response.

Wojo merely shrugs and says, "OK, so back to Tibet."

Dietrich interrupts and says, "Go ahead, rub it in why don't you!"

When Wojo and Harris hear this, they both turn toward Dietrich and grin.

Wojo, still grinning, looks back toward Mike and says, "Do you really think that these demonstrations will help free Tibet? I mean I've never even heard about that invasion. Or any of that other stuff until today."

Mike responds, "That's one of the things we're hopping to do. By bringing attention to this situation, maybe world opinion will convince Communist China to stop its harsh treatment of these people. And you never know, one day they may even grant them full independence."

Mike forgets about his hunger for a moment. His speech becomes a little more impassioned as he continues, "Of course the energy for that change has to come from some where." Mike stops talking and slowly looks around the squad room and says,

"Believe me Det. Wojciehowicz, the last thing I wanted to do today was get arrested. But if that in some small way helps to bring about freedom for these poor people, then it's a small price for me to pay."

At this point, everyone listening to him looks at Mike with quiet admiration. Here is a man who feels so strongly about his beliefs, he is willing to put himself on the line, with out going over it.

That's when the semi-conscious protester comes back to life. He raises a clenched fist in the air and screams, "Yeah man! REMEMBER THE MAINE!"

After everyone in the room gets over their initial shock, an annoyed Dietrich grabs the sleeve of the protesters dirty army field jacket and tells him, "Yo, Dr. Feel Good! Wrong war!"

The now tranquil protester slowly looks from Dietrich to Mike. He gradually nods his head toward Dietrich and stage whispers to Mike in a somewhat deep, raspy voice, "Well dude, is he right?"

At this point, both Harris and Wojo move a little closer to Mike to hear his answer. Wojo merely looks curious. Harris however looks almost _hungry,_ to catch Dietrich in another mistake.

Mike lightly licks the last bits of flavor of coffee and pastry from his lips. He then tells the protester, "Yes he's correct. 'Remember the Maine' is from the Spanish/American war."

Wojo, Dietrich and the protester all look satisfied. Harris on the other hand looks like a young child whose parents just told him that there is no Santa.

Dietrich then looks toward Harris and says, "Yes, two points!"

Before Harris can respond, the protester beams a lop-sided smile at Dietrich and says, "See Mr. Police man, that joint that I gave you is working already."

When no one responds, Dietrich just clears his throat. He then tugs on the protesters olive colored jacket and says, "Come on smokey. Pictures and prints." He then escorts the protester down the rear stairway for processing.

Mike then takes a well-earned, giant size bite of pastry. As well as a gulp of coffee. That's when uniformed Officer Carl Levitt swings open the squad room door.

Levitt enters the room first. He then waves for the two people behind him to enter. He tells them in his most authoritative voice, "Here we are, the detectives squad room. Please enter in a calm and orderly fashion behind me sir, and ma'am."

Archie enters the room first. He looks at Officer Levitt, and in a heavy Queens NY accent says, "A-yeah, thank you officer." He then starts looking around the room for Mike.

When Maude enters the room, she stands directly in front of officer levitt and says, "It's _Ms_!"

Levitt is more then a little puzzled by her comment. So he then asks her, "Excuse me?"

Maude moves a little closer to him and says, "It's _Ms_! Not Miss on Mrs. Just _Ms_! Do you think that you can handle that, without too much trouble officer…Levitt?"

Levitt leans his had to the side and says under his breath, "Oh great, a _militant_ _libber_!" He then turns to face Maude again and sarcastically says, "OK. It won't happen again…_Ms_." Levitt then makes an announcement to all the detectives in the crowded squad room, "Excuse me detectives. But I have a Mr. Bunker, and a…_Ms_. Maude. No last name given. To pick up one Michael Stivik."

Harris hears the announcement and waves them over. As Archie and Maude walk toward Mike, Levitt and Maude exchange one last icy stare. After she turns away, he gives Maude a sarcastic look while bobbing his head slowly side to side. Then he says to himself, "If only I had her height and deep voice. Forget about _detective_, I'd be a _captain_ by now!" He then grabs the doorknob with his right hand and spins around as he closes the door shut behind him.

Archie spots Mike sitting with a group of detectives. He turns to Maude and says, "Aw gez…there he is. Look at 'em Maude, just look at 'em. Filling his face and running his mouth at the same time. It's a wonder he doesn't accidentally chew off a finger."

Archie quickly turns toward Maude with an angry grin of satisfaction and says, "Hah! I told you he'd find _something_ to eat." He then points his finger at Maude and says, "You owe me _five _bucks Maude!"

**PART **

**FIVE**

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part V**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I MAKE ANY PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.

After Archie tells Maude that she has lost their bet, Maude slowly turns her head her head toward him, points toward Mike and says, "Oh shut up Archie! The poor mans been through a lot today. Let him finish his _bread and water_ in peace."

Archie rolls his eyes and says, "Bread and water my foot! I'll bet ya' another five bucks that hes munching on some kind'a pastry. And washing it down with some a _fruity_ _flavored_ coffee. The kind that's all the rage in _gay Par-rie_!"

After Patrolman Carl Levitt announces Archie and Maude, Detective Ron Harris smiles as he looks over his shoulder toward them and says, "Where just about through processing Mr. Stivic. Bail for him and the other demonstrators has been paid for by the organizers of the demonstration. As soon as we get a copy of the bail ticket from down stairs, you folks can take him home."

Archie and Maude walk over toward Det. Harris. Archie says, "Uh, thank you detective, but theres no need to rush. But I got'a warn ya though, the sooner we get him got'a here, the fewer of your donuts he'll _scarf down_."

Det. Harris gives Archie a sly grin. He then turns toward Det. Dietrich's empty chair while saying, "That's OK sir. Mr. Stivick can have _all_ the _Croissants_ and _Vanilla flavored_ _coffee_ that he wants. He's earned it!"

Once Maude hears the words _Croissants, and Vanilla flavored_ coffee, she realizes that she has lost yet another bet to Archie. She closes her eyes shut while shaking her head _no_.

Archie on the other hand grins as he steps a little closer to Det. Harris and asks him, "Uh detective, is a _croissant_ a type of _French pastry_?"

Harris thinks about this for a second before saying, "Why yes Mr. Bunker, that's exactly what it is."

Upon hearing this, Archie once again turns toward his cousin-in-law Maude. He gives her a big, toothy grin. He then triumphantly shifts his head slightly from left to right before telling her, "_Ha_, _that's another five bucks you owe me Maude_! You keep loosing like this and I'll _almost_ break even for the _free ride_ I'm giving you in my cab back to my house in Queens!"

While all of this is going on Mike looks over his shoulder, and some what nervously nods his head as a silent hello to Archie and Maude. While doing this he notices Maude's reaction at the mention of the word _croissant, and Vanilla flavored_ _coffee_. He is sure that it is the latest chapter in the _eternal struggle_ between Archie and Maude. And judging from both of their reactions, Archie currently seems to be wining. Mike is also sure that he'll hear _all_ about it later, on their _long _ride home. Mike thinks that even though Archie currently appears to be in a good mood, it's a mater of _mere seconds_ before he says, or does something that will ruin his appetite.

So, he decides to remain quiet and continue eating.

**PART **

**SIX**

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

**Shorter then than the others I know. **

**I just wanted to keep the readers from loosing interest in this story.**

**That's the bad news.**

The good news is that I think that I will have several classic TV crossovers occur in one day, at the ol' one-two (Twelfth Precinct)

The stories will more or less be standalones. But I may have some of the arriving guest-stars say something in passing to the departing guest-stars, as they pass each-other. Or, while sitting down in **the cage**.

Any way, enjoy. And please keep reading.

Any comments and suggestions are always welcome.

Regards,

Ra'Ay'Mond.

3


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part VI**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER THE WAY HE WAS ON TELEVISION.

IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I MAKE ANY PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.

Sergeant Nick Yemana makes an exasperated sigh as he puts down his racing form and picks up the receiver of his ringing phone. He shifts his sleepy gaze toward the rear of the squad room as he says, "Hello, 12th Precinct. Sgt. Yemana speaking. How can I help you?"

Sgt. Yemana unconsciously pushes his racing form aside, and opens his eyes wide at what he is being told by the person on the other end.. After the caller stops talking, Sgt. Yemana asks her, "So one of the guys running around the open _man-hole,_ fell in, and got stuck. And now the Fire men are trying to get him out by doing what? Oh…rubbing grease all over his body! No kidding."

While Sgt. Yemana is talking to the caller, Captain Barney Miller comes out of his office and gives the squad room the once over before pouring himself a cup of coffee. On his way back to his office he takes a sip as he listens in on Nick's call.

Det. Yemana laughs a little to himself as he writes down the information about this call. He then tells the caller, "Other than that, any one hurt? Any body, err...shot or stabbed? No? OK. Someone will be there shortly. Thanks for calling it in ma'am."

After Sgt. Yemana hangs up the phone, Barney takes another quick sip of coffee before smiling and asking his detective, "So Nick, what's all this about the Fire Department using grease on some guy? Is this part of their testing for new recruits?"

Sgt. Yemana returns the grin as he replies, "Naw Barney, that would make sense.

According to the caller a _bus driver _starts chasing a _sewer worker_ around an open man-hole. He slips and gets caught in the open man-hole. There's a fire house across the street from where is happening. So some fire men start greasing the _big guy_ up, to get him out."

Barney looks around his busy squad room to see who's free to go out on this call with Det. Yemana, and tells Nick, "Levitts on his way up here with those bail tickets for these demonstrators, take _him_ with you."

As Barney turns to leave, Sgt. Yemana makes a face when he hears Levitts name and asks Barney, "OK. I'll take him. But ah…Do I have to bring him back?"

Barney just gives Det. Yemana a tight smile and says, "Nick, be nice. He may be a little…_overzealous_ at times. But he's a good cop."

When Det. Yemana hears this, he opens both hands up, toward Barney while saying, "I'm just kidding Barney. Besides, he always finds his way home."

Right on que, patrolman Carl Levitt opens the squad room door and tells Captain Miller, "Bail tickets for the demonstrators arrested today sir!"

After Barney is given the bail tickets by Levitt, he looks over toward Det. Yemana. Sgt. Yemana then tells Barney, "See, nothing to worry about."

Nick then tells Levitt, "You're with me. We got a call about two guys fighting in the middle of the street. And, one of them fell into the _sewer_."

When Levitt hears this, he rolls his eyes as he slowly becomes _irate. _He turns toward Barney while saying, "A guy falls into the _sewer_, and you thank of me? Why how _kind_ of you sir." He then looks himself up and down, and spreads his arms out from his sides. He looks as if he is presenting his body for show and says, "And how _fortunate_ for me that I'm wearing a _new uniform_. I wouldn't wan' a foul up an _old one_ with _sewer water_.

Barney tries to say something, but Levitt continues, "Sir, I had to purchase this uniform after the last one was_ ruined_. That was when I fell into the _cesspool _in the station's basement, after you _ordered_ me to help the plumber!"

Barney takes a deep sigh as he says, "Levitt…"

He's once again interrupted by an increasingly annoyed patrolman Levitt. This time he points towards the men's room and says, "Sir, should I ride with Detective Yemana, or should I just use the John and _flush_ myself down there?"

This time Barney raises his voice and says, "Patrolman Levitt! Det. Yemana has to go out on a call. And the other detectives are all busy. I know that in the past you have taken on what can easily be considered very…_unglamorous_ assignments. However as far as I'm concerned your…willingness to go _above and beyond_ the call of duty for your captain, fellow officers and members of the community is…a quality that…sets you far head of the other patrolmen under my command."

Patrolman Carl Levitt is soaking all of this praise in like a _dry-sponge_. As his captain is praising his past work, Levitt confidently sticks his chest and chin out while knowingly nodding his head up and down. He looks as if he is the answer to a question that no one has asked. When Barney is done talking, Levitt jumps out of his trance, takes a quick step toward his captain and gently asks, "If it's not too much trouble sir, would you mind putting what you just said about me down on my record?"

Barney, now growing getting impatient says, "Yes Levitt! When you've come _back_ from this call!"

Levitt then replies, "Yes sir...The call…I'm on it sir!"

As Levitt rushes out of the squad room Barney looks at the bail tickets that Levitt handed him before his hissy fit. He is so worn out from that encounter, he shakes his head and grumbles to himself. As Det. Yemana walks over to Barney he smiles as he asks him, "Still want me to bring him back Barn?"

He then points at the top bail ticket and says, "Hay Barn, the one that says _stivic_ is for that guy sitting with Harris and Wojo. Levitt escorted this family up here earlier so that they can take him home. I think he's done being processed, and is ready to go."

Barney says OK, and walks over toward the closest of the two people here to pick up Mr. Stivic. That would be Maude.

Archie walks over to Det. Harris's desk. Archie disapprovingly shakes his head at Mike while saying, "Well, well, well meat-head. Ya' just couldn't be satisfied be'ing a normal, law abiding, tax paying citizen. You had to go to dust off your ACLU card, and go to some _pink-ko_ _commie_ demonstration, and get yourself arrested. _Again_!"

Archie points his finger menacingly at Mike as he then stage wishers, "You know what this will do to your poor wife? And not to mention ya' mother in-law! You know, this just might _kill her_!"

As Mike swallows hard on the last bit of _croissant, _he is suddenly overcome with guilt. Archie is over-acting as usual. However, as much as Mike hates to admit it, Archie may have a point. His days of getting arrested were supposed to be behind him.

Even though no one got hurt, this should never have happen. And to make matters worse, Archie was in his cab when he gets loaded in to the police wagon.

Mike starts to think that instead of causing a scene here, made he should just _play it humble, and quiet_. He can always get-into-it later with Archie, and Gloria no doubt.

Before Mike can even open his mouth, Archie continues, "So tell me meat-head,

What was it this time? Save the Whales, or ban the bomb?" Archie then remembers that they saw Mike getting arrested at an Embassy. He then turns and asks Maude, "Wait a sec. Hey Maude, didn't we see him in front of some _commie_ embassy?"

Maude, who was talking to Captain Miller hears Archie's question. She turns toward Archie, and rolls her eyes at the question and says, "Archie, you're an _idiot_! Keep me out of this. And as for his getting arrested killing your wife and daughter, if they survived you, they can survive _anything_."

Archie dismisses Maude's comment with an angry wave of his hand. He suddenly snaps his fingers and says, "That's it! It was the Chinese Embassy!" He then turns back toward Mike and says, "Is that it? Did you come out of retirement from being a political mal-key-tent to _cheer for the commies to take over the world_?"

After staring mesmerized at this _dysfunctional_ extended family in action, Wojo is the first detective to say something. He looks at Archie and says, "No Mr. Bunker, you got it all wrong. From what your son in-law was just telling us, him and the other demonstrators weren't demonstrating _for_ the communist. They were demonstrating _against_ them. And it was a quiet, peaceful demonstration at that. It seems the Communist Chinese invaded Tibet in 1949. And to this day their committing horrible crimes against the people of Tibet who want them to leave. And what's worst is the fact that since Tibet is all the way up there in the mountains, they don't have any way to let the rest of the world know what's going on."

Then Harris jumps in a says, "That's right Mr. Bunker. From the information that we have, your son in-law wasn't trying to _help_ the…_Commies_ as you put it, to take over the world. He was trying to _stop_ them from doing it."

Once Archie hears that Mike was _against _the communist, all he can manage to do is turn toward Mike and say, "Is that right?"

While all of this is going on, Mike just sits there dumbfounded by these current turn of events. He thinks to himself, _I get arrested. And instead of the cops hassling me, they feed me flavored coffee and Croissants. Then if that wasn't enough, they defend me from Archie's verbal abuse. And, they are so successful at it, Archie can only silently stare at me, with a gaze that almost gives the impression of…respect. Maybe I should get arrested more often._

ThenMikes feeling of peaceful bliss is interrupted. He thinks to himself, _wait a minute, this is Archie Bunker were talking about. No matter how good things are going right now, I have to remember one thing, Archie will do or say something to SCREW IT ALL UP! _

After several seconds of silently staring at his son in-law Mike, Archie walks behind Det. Harris, right next to where Mike is currently sitting. He reaches out his hand to Mike and says, "Well Mike, put her there pal! I know we've had more then our share of, Philly_-soap-hical_ differences" Mike interrupts and corrects him by saying, "Philosophical". Archie replies dismissively waiving his free hand and saying, "Same thing! Any way. What I wan' a say is that right now, after hearing what these here detectives just said you were doing out there. You know, sticking it to them commies. I'm proud to call you my son in-law!" Archie then leans in toward Mike, and hugs him.

Both Harris and Wojo can't help form being a little choked-up by this emotional scene. Maude stops flirting With Captain Barney Miller long enough to watch this. At first she thought that Archie was taking a _swing_ at Mike. Once she realizes what really was happening, she actually starts getting a little _misty eyed_.

Mike hesitantly returns Archie's hug. He still feels shock over the sudden respect and…love that Archie is showering upon him for taking a stand against

_World Communism. _And he is feeling a little guilty about the negative things he was just thinking about Archie.

And that's when it happens.

After releasing Mike from the hug, Archie pats him on his back once or twice. Archie then takes a step back and lovingly smiles as he says, "And I'll tell you something else, maybe I was wrong all these years. Maybe your not just a _big dumb Pollock_!"

Every detective in that part of the room goes completely silent. Everyone but Det. Sgt. Stanley Wojciehowicz.

He takes a step toward Archie with both fists bawled, and with what can only be described as a _murderous glare_ in his eyes. He then yells, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?"

**PART **

**TWO **

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

**A lot longer than I wanted. But I had to set up the **_**next crossover **_**in this story.**

**Any ideas as to who it's going to be.**

**Come on, you don't have to be the writer of **_**Swanny River**_** to figure this one out.**

**Anyway,**

**Please keep reading.**

**Regards,**

**Ra'Ay'Mond.**

7


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these **_**classic**_** shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part VII**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF _ARCHIE BUNKER _AS HE WAS PORTRAYED ON TELEVISION.

**IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.**

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.

OK, in this chapter I think that the content warning listed above will come in handy. I'll will start off slow, but it will get a _lot _worse before the story ends.

Archie is stunned into silence by the explosive outburst from the large angry detective. He thinks to himself, _what the heck is going on a' round here? One minute I'm telling the meat head here that I'm proud of him. The next minute, 'The Incredible Hulk's baby brother here, looks like he's gon'na rip my head off! For no reason what so ever!_

Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz takes a menacing steep towards Archie pointing a muscular index finger an inch from his chest while saying, "Yeah, you! I'm talking to you big mouth! What the hell did you just say about 'dumb Pollock's?

Det. Harris quickly gets up from his chair and tries to calm down Det. Wojciehowicz by saying, "Hey Wojo, calm down man." Det. Harris then looks toward Archie and gives him a dirty stare before turning back to his friend and fellow detective while saying, "He was talking to his son-in-law. I don't think that he even knows that your Po…"

Before Det. Harris can finish his thought, Capt. Barney Miller _detaches_ himself from Maude, and quickly makes his way over to where Det. Wojciehowicz, Det. Harris and Archie are standing. He looks at Wojo while asking, "Wojo, what in the world are you yelling about?"

Det. Wojciehowicz stops dead in his tracks at the sound of his commanding officer's question. However, he keeps looking intently at Archie with a _homicidal stare_. Mean while, Archie is frozen like a deer in the head lights under the other man's intense scrutiny.

Both men remain silent.

Capt. Miller then rolls his eyes and says, "Will someone tell me just what in the world is going on over here!"

At that point Archie, Mike, Wojo and Harris _all_ start talking at the same time. Capt. Miller closes his eyes and turns his head toward the other side of the squad room. Once he composes himself, he turns back to the group of men and says, "OK Harris, _you_ just got elected to tell me what ever it is that the four of you are _not_ trying to tell me!"

Det. Harris turns toward Capt. Miller and gives him a tight grin while sarcastically saying, "Why _thank you_ for picking me Barney."

Det. Ron Harris moves his hands down his mid section to delicately remove the wrinkles from his black satin vest. He then does the buttons of his hand made, brushed black velvet sports jacket that was imported from Italy. Once this is done he closes his eyes and deeply inhales the fragrant, yet subdued scents of his French cologne, while imaging himself rolling around nude, on a _bed made of money_ form the sell of his second book.

While all of this is going on Capt. Miller notices the slightly glazed look on Harris's face and thinks to him self, _Wonderful! Just when I need him most_ _he's having another day dream about rolling around nude on a bed made of money, from the sell of his second book._

Once he has completed his relaxation ritual, Harris turns on his _professional voice. _This is the voice that he normally uses for the court room, or while doing book signings. He then nods his head in Archie's direction and says, "O.K. Barn, it seems that Mr. Bunker here had an _epiphany_ of sorts in his relations with his son-in-law, a Mr. Michael Stivik." At the mention of Mike's name Harris turns from away from Archie and points toward Mike, right before giving him a polite grin. He then looks back toward Barney while saying, "However, it appears that while expressing his newfound affection for his son-in-law, Mr. Bunker let-fly a racists, anti-polish slur toward said son-in-law. To which Wojo here rightly took offense and questioned Mr. Bunker to find out just what he meant by the term, and I'm quoting here Barney, "_big dumb Pollock_.""

Once Barney hears this slur he looks disapprovingly at Archie and makes a deep-sighing sound. He then rolls his eyes and says, "Wonderful!"

Wojo is now much calmer after listening to Harris's description of the recent turn of events. He grins slightly as he turns toward his boss and says, "See Barn, it don't sound so bad the way that Harris describes it."

Barney looks more then a little confused. He starts to think that Wojo has forgotten the problem at hand. He begins to say some thing when Wojo says, "You know Harris, you really are _great_ with the words man! It makes me want to go out and _buy _your books instead of just _borrowing _them from the library!"

Harris smiles broadly at the compliment and says, "Why thank you Wo… Harris stops talking abruptly. He then looks around the room, then back toward Barney. Then he does a confused double take back toward Wojo. He then drops his professional voice and begins speaking in his angry, clipped voice, "Man, do-you-mean-to-tell-me-that-you-haven't-brought-_any-_of-my-books? You just walked into a library and _barrowed_ some dusty old copy that _millions_ of other people have touched before you?"

Wojo sheepishly defends himself by saying, "Well Harris, I don't think _that_ many people have touched those books before I got a hold of them. As a matter of fact, I was the first person in that branch to even borrow a copy. I check with the Librarian."

When Barney hears this _poorly worded_ response from Wojo, he just looks at Harris out of the side of his eye, waiting for his anger fueled retort.

Harris's only response is to give Wojo an irritated, unblinking stare.

Barney then says, "OK, detectives, getting back to the subject at hand. Wojo, just calm down a second. Remember, you're a NYPD detective." Barney then gestures slightly with his hands as he says, "You have to deal with…unpleasant comments on the street all the time." Barney then turns toward Archie and gives him a _hard stare_ while saying, "And it seems that today you're just going to have to deal with one while inside of the squad room!"

Barney turns back toward Wojo and finishes his thought by saying, "However I still expect you to act in a professional and courteous manor. No more…yelling and screaming, OK Wojo?"

"Det. Wojciehowicz takes a deep breath, and points at Archie while saying, "OK Barney, _1- dupek_ here gets ONE chance to explain what he just said!" He then turns toward Archie again and says, "Start talking!"

Michael knows that he has heard that Polish word _1- dupek _before. He just can't remember where or when he heard. Or for that matter, just what it means. He stares off into space searching his memory, trying to summon up the meaning.

Meanwhile, Barney steps closer to Wojo while saying, "Wojo, thats not what I meant! What I was trying to say is that…."

While Barney is trying to explaining to Wojo what he _really_ meant, Archie is still in the dark as to way the big detective is so protective of Mike. He is also more than a little confused as to why the big cop just called him a _dupek. _However, he nervously looks from the large angry cop, to the cops boss while saying, "Well um, captain, maybe I can help clear this up. It's like this here. Every thing that the _colored_… Err...I mean the well dressed detective said was basically true." When Archie makes that _last minute save _about Harris, everyone that heard what he _almost_ said opens their eyes wide in shock. With the exceptions of Harris and Maude. Maude just groans the word 'moron' out loud. And Harris gives Archie an angry glare, through tight eyes.

Archie looks from Barney to Wojo as he continues, "Except for the part about me being a racist. I didn't mean any harm by what I said to the meat he…err Mike here. It's just one of them, what da' ya call them, terms of _in-deer-meat_ there."

While this clumsy, yet honest explanation is going on, Mike is thinking to himself, terms of _in-deer-meat_? My infant son can barely speak, yet he still has a larger vocabulary than his grandfather!

Archie looks from Mike, to Barney, then back toward Wojo and says, "It's just something that I call him when he gets under my skin. The way that the people you really care about can do sometimes."

Detective Wojciehowicz relaxes a little. Even Detective Harris is willing to forget about Archie's verbal slip. He is just happy that he does not have to try and stop 'The Wojo express'. Mike thinks to himself, _OK_ _Arch, he's calmed down. Don't screw it up! Don't screw it up! Don't screw it up!_

Right on que, Archie grins and cups his left hand to his mouth and stages whispers to the big cop, "And just between you and me detective, the other reason I call him that is 'cause his family comes from a country not known for their brain power. If you know what I mean?" Archie then gives a _knowing wink_ to Wojo.

Det. Wojciehowicz immediately turns beet red.

**PART **

**TWO **

**COMING **

**UP **

**SOON.**

**Sorry it took so long for this chapter. Next chapter is the last for this story. **

**Also, the next chapter leads into the next story. It is a stand alone story, but the guest stars will be introduced at the end of that story. **

**The next story in this Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossover series will be Ralph and Norton, from the Honeymooner.**

**Regards,**

**Ra'Ay'Mond.**

**POLISH TO ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS.**

_1- Dupek Asshole_

6


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these **_**classic**_** shows alive.**

**Barney Miller/All in the Family**

**Crossover.**

**Part VIII**

**Embassy Demonstration.**

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond**

*CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.

I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF _ARCHIE BUNKER _AS HE WAS PORTRAYED ON TELEVISION.

**IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.**

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.

After Archie says his _latest_ slur against Polish people, as well as winking at Det. Wojciehowicz when he's done, a 'loud' hush descends upon everyone in that part of the Squad room. Mike (Archie's Son-in-Law) closes his eyes and looks away. He is pretty sure he knows what the large, angry Polish detective is about to do to Archie. He just does not want to see it happen.

************************************************************************

Det. Harris is more then a little confused. At first glance it would seem obvious that this 'Bunker' guy, or anyone else that would make fun of Polish people to Wojo (Det. Wojciehowicz) is a candidate for the _Wonderful Land of Oz_ (one of Det. Harris's _many_ nick-names for Belleview. NYC's Mental Hospital). However, Harris thanks, _there's only one problem with that theory. Almost every single 'nut-job' that walks into this squad room usually comes straight to me. Sometimes the line is so long it runs right around my desk!_ S_o_ _what gives? If Bunker is not crazy, maybe he's just looking for a fight? And if he is looking for a fight, does he really think that he can take Wojo? _Det. Harris lifts a speculatively eyebrow while slowly shaking his head no. He does this while looking Mr. Bunker up and down.He then thinks, _Bunker would have been better off taking a swing at Det. Phil 'Fish'. That way he may only get shot. Who knows what Wojo will do him! I just hope that Barney breaks it up before Wojo hurts this bunker guy_. Harris steals a guilty glance at his imported jacket while thinking, _the only thing worse then Wojo getting into trouble, or Bunker getting beat up is this velvet sports jacket getting damaged. I mean really, if this thing gets ripped or torn, I might as well just __**burn it**__!_

************************************************************************

Maude's only concern is that Archie is still able to drive her and Mike back to Queens, after the _beating_ that the 'big-cop' is about to give him.

************************************************************************

Barney's thoughts are on a slightly _higher level_. It is beginning dawn upon him that Mr. Bunker has no idea that Wojo is Polish. And his ugly, bigoted remarks were only meant to embarrass his son-in-law publicly. After all, someone would have to be…_in need of profession help_ to tell a Polish-joke to Wojo. And if Bunker were…for want of a better word…_peculiar, _he would have gotten on line to see Harris, just like all the other…people with _diminished faculties_.

************************************************************************

Wojo on the other hand has calmed down considerably since the latest zing against him and his fellow Poles. Suddenly, out of nowhere the name of his best friend from childhood comes to mind: _Ricky Kavashansky_.

He remembers, _even though we were the same age, Ricky was wiser than his years. He was always giving me great advice. He has a way of talking to people, with out talking down them. He never makes people feel like their stupid or something, like Barney always does to me. One of the things that he would have to keep telling me over and over was, "Stanley, think before you hit!"_

Wojo thinks to himself, _but what I still don't get is_ _why is this hamburger trying to cheese me off? Law suit? Just looking for a fight? Crazy? NO WAY! If he was crazy he'd be trying to talk to Harris just like the rest of them. _Det. Wojciehowicz mind drifts onto another subject for a moment as he thinks, _I'd bet they would buy one of Harris's books. You have to be __**crazy**__ to pay for that!_

Det. Wojciehowicz eyes then drift over toward Mike, and it finally dawns on him as he thinks to himself, _that's it! Bunker was being a raciest __***1-Osiol**__, but not to me. He was being a racist __***2-Dupa Dziurwic**__ to his poor son-in-law, Mike!_

Wojo relaxes…a little. Then he looks back toward Archie and thinks, _even thought he wasn't trying to piss me off…he did! And I still wan'a hit him! And 'Ricky' is all the way back in Buffalo. Way to far away to talk some sense into me. No help there!_ _OK, got'a go for next best thing. And since 'Dietrich's' left the room that leaves me with only one choice_. Without taking his eyes of Archie, Wojo makes a deep sighing sound before saying, "Barney!!!"

Barney keeps a careful eye on Wojo to make sure that he doesn't do anything to Mr. Bunker before he can diffuse this situation. Acting on his original hunch about Mr. Bunker not knowing that Wojo is Polish, Barney quickly shifts his gaze toward Archie while slowly waving an open hand toward Wojo while saying, "Mr. Bunker, allow me to formally introduce you to Sgt. Stanley _Wojciehowicz_!"

Archie cautiously extends his hand toward Wojo while saying, "Why nice to meet you detective, I…" He then stops dead in his tracks. His pale blue eyes seem to glaze over as if he was just given some very startling and important information. He slowly turns back to Barney. And with a clinched, painful looking grin on his face, he asks him almost pleading, "_Wojciehowicz? Czechoslovakian_?"

Before Barney has a chance to answer the question, Wojo takes a _menacing_ steep toward Archie and says, "Guess again *****_**3-Gowno Bol**_!"

************************************************************************

Once Barney hears his Detectives response, he turns toward him and says, "**Wojo**!"

He then quickly regains he compose, and in a much lower tone asks his detective, "What did you just call him?"

Wojo shyly responds, "OK, I'll tell you Barn. But you're not gon'a like it." He then leans over and quietly and privately tells Barney what the Polish word means.

Barney turns his ear toward Wojo to hear this secret translation. Once he hears it, his shocked eyes open even wider then before. He quickly turns to face his detective, and in an even louder voice than before yells, "**WOJO**!"

Wojo sheepishly shrugs his shoulders while telling his captain, "See, I told you that you wouldn't like it Barn."

************************************************************************

While this is going on Archie steeps over to where Mike is sitting. Through clenched teeth he tells him, "This is all your fault Meat Head! Why didn't you tell me he was Polish?"

Mike starts to answer him, but not before Archie waves his hand in his son-in-law's face and says, "Never mind all that. Those words that he called me there, was they _dirty words_?"

Mike just tilts his head slightly. Lifts an eye brow and answers, "No Arch. They were just… terms of _in-deer-meat."_

Archie is so overcome with anger that he wordlessly mouths insults toward Mike.

************************************************************************

Barney opens his mouth talk, but before he can say a word Wojo points at Archie and tells him, "Look Barn, I know I lost it there for a minutes. But do you blame me?" I mean, this guy comes right in my face and starts 'cracking wise' about Polish people being dumb!" Barney starts to respond, but Wojo once again interrupts and says, "I know that I say the wrong thing a lot, and _once or twice_ in the past I've _over reacted_ in stressful situations. But give me a little credit, just this once! At least this time when I used foul language, the person I used it on didn't understand a word that I said, because I said it in _Polish_!"

Barney opens his mouth to respond to Wojo, but not before Maude interrupts him as she tells Wojo, "Detective, you didn't have to bother speaking in Polish. There are _plenty_ of words in English that Archie doesn't understand."

Archie points an angry finger at Maude and asks her, "Hey Maude, you calling me _dumb_?"

Maude stares at Archie for several seconds without speaking. Then she answers him by saying, "Don't think of it as an insult Archie. Think of it as a…term of _in-deer-meat."_

_************************************************************************_

Barney finally talks before he's interrupted again and says, "Ms. Finley…you're not helping."

Maude turns to Barney, and puts her hand on his shoulder, _and keeps it there_. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and smiles while saying, "Your right Captain. I apologize." She continues staring into his eyes, causing Barney to blush and stammer as he says, "T…T…T…Thank you Ms. Finley."

She moves just a little closer to him as she says, "Please Capt. Miller, call me _Maude_."

Everyone in the squad room notices Maude flirting with Barney. However Wojo is the only one with the nerve to comment about it. He clears his throat and says, "Err, Barn. If you're your busy, we can come back later, when your all done."

Upon hearing Wojo's remark, Barney does a double take toward Wojo, and Maude's hand on his shoulder. With thumb and forefinger, Barney delicately and politely removes Maude's hand while saying, "Excuse me Ms. Finley, I have to always keep my gun hand free. Sorry, Police regulations."

To this Archie grins while saying, "Yeah Maude, he has to be ready to defend himself from violent criminals, wild animals and love crazed, deep voiced, husband hunting women with the strength of ten men."

She shoots Archie a look that could _melt through steel_ and says, "Oh shut up Archie! It's your fault that were still here! If you could have just kept your small minded, bigoted thoughts to your self for once, we could have gotten Mike and been half way to Queens by now!"

Archie leans in toward Maude and her remarks like a man walking through a hurricane. He points at Maude and says, "You trying to blaming this all on me?"

He then quickly turns and points at Mike while saying, "It's the meat-head here that got arrested, not me! And another thing Maude…" Before he can complete his thought, Wojo interrupts ands says, "**What are you yelling at her for? She's right! You're a racists!**"

Every head in that part of the room turns and stares at Archie. He appears taken aback and hurt as he looks from face to face. He then rises his hands defensively in from of him as he tell Wojo, "Officer, I apologize for the things that I said about you'z and your people. But it was only meant to zing him." He points at Mike for the last part of that sentence. He then says, "But I'm not racist!"

He continues, "Why you can just ask the meat hea…err Mike here, I was the first one in our neighborhood to have a family of b…" Archie looks at Harris stare at him with a raised eyebrow before finishing his original though. He tries a last minute save by saying, "_Baptist_ move right next door there to me there. And I get along _great_ with the _**Jefferson's**_."

Harris squints and shifts his head slightly to the side while silently mouthing the word _Baptist_ toward Archie.

Mike sees this and from the side of his mouth he some what quietly tells Archie, "Arch, you're just making it worse."

Archie quickly turns on Mike and says, "Oh stifle, you big dumb Po…" He cuts himself off just as Wojo takes an angry steep closer to him.

Archie then turns toward Barney, who is looking at Wojo. He is ready to stop the younger man from doing anything…reckless. Barney turns back to Archie as he almost pleadingly tells him, "Honest captain, I'm not a racist! The name of the law firm that I use is _Robenowitz, Robenowitz_ and _Robenowitz_. Now if I was a racist, would I go out and hire members of the _wondering tribe_?"

When Mike hears Archie say this, he quietly says, "Oh boy! Here we go again."

When Barney hears the _wondering tribe_ remark he rolls his eyes and asks Archie, "Mr. Bunker by _wondering tribe_, I take it that in your _very sensitive way, _you're trying to tell us that your lawyers are _Jewish_?"

By now Archie is looking and feeling more paranoid by the minute. He looks from Barney to Wojo. Neither man seems to believe that he is not a racist. As a last resort he looks to Det. Harris and asks, "Detective, you believe that I'm not a racist, don't you?"

Det. Harris gives Archie a sneer while saying, "How should I know, I just a _Baptist_!"

Maude sees that this is going nowhere and says, "Captain Miller, if your not going to let the big guy beat-up on Archie, can we take Mike and leave?"

Barney is at first a little irritated at Maude's interruption. He turns around to face her and says, "Ms. Finley…that's a great idea!" Barney then turns to face Det. Harris. He asks Harris, "Harris, has Mr. Stivik been processed yet?"

Harris is still staring at Archie when Barney asks him about Mike. He quickly snaps back to reality and says, "Eh, Yea Barney. Mr. Stivik has no outstanding warrants. He's been given his desk appearance ticket, so he and his family are free to go."

Barney looks directly at Archie while responding, "Good! The sooner the better!"

He then turns to Maude and Mike and says, "Nice meeting you Ms. Finley, Mr. Stivik. _He does not say anything to Archie_"

He then turns his attention toward his two detectives and says, "Once our _guest_s have left, I want to see the two of you in my office. I think that we should have yet another talk about…putting things in their _proper prospective_."

Mike, Archie and Maude start to leave. Mean while, Harris looks from Archie, back to Barney while saying, "But Barn, he called me a _Baptist_!"

Before Barney can respond Harris opens his jacket so that Barney can get a better view of his clothing, as he continues his tirade, "I mean _really_ Barn! A _Baptist_, in this outfit? This is French Velvet! All that dancing and sweating would r-u-i-n it! Not to mention what would happen to these shoes!" Once he sees Barn is just looking at him, and not listening, he stomps into his boss's office.

Wojo walks up to Barney and points at him while saying, "OK Barn, I'll listen to your speech. And I'll _try_ and learn from what you have to say. But when were done, I'd like to talk to you about something that _you_ can learn from."

Barney is more then a little curious when he asks Wojo, "OK Wo'j. But just what is the subject of this…life changing information that you are going to…enlighten me with?"

Wojo gives the captain his best boyish grin as he says, "Two words Barn, '_Ricky Kavashansky!'_"

Barney Follows his two detectives into his office, shaking his head slightly every step of the way.

************************************************************************

Meanwhile, Archie is talking to himself as he opens the door to leave the squid room. He is greeted by a stoic eyed Sgt. Nick Yemana (who is a Japanese/American). He and patrolman Carl Levitt are returning from a recent call involving a sewer working being chased by a bus driver.

When Archie comes face to face with Det. Yemana, he defensively yells, "I'm not a racist detective. During the war. You know, WWII, 'the big one'. I didn't fight against the Japanese; I was in Europe, fighting against the Germans!"

Sgt. Yemana just stands their giving Archie a dead-pan look before saying, "Me to! I served with the 'Nissan' division in Europe."

Archie is more than a little surprised at this response. He tells the detective, "Excuse me Detective". He then starts heading out the door while telling Mike and Maude, "It's a conspiracy. Let's get the hell out of here before they arrest me!"

Maude responds, "It would serve you right Archie!"

Archie replies, "Don't you start with me Maude! I saw you throwing yourself at that there captain! And you, a married woman!"

Mike chimes in, "Can we just please go home. I'm _starving_!"

Archie turns to Maude while saying, "He's hungry again! Looks like you owe me _another_ five bucks Maude!"

The arguments continue to, and into Queens.

THE END

**POLISH TO ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS.**

_***1-Osiol = Jackass.**_

_***2-Dupa Dziurwic = Ass Hole.**_

***3-**_**Gowno Bol = Shit Head.**_

**Thanks for continuing to read this FIRST in a series of Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossovers. I hope that you have enjoyed it. Please continue reading them.**

**Also, if you have any suggestions for Other Classic TV Crossovers with Barney Miller, or other show, please let me know.**

**Regards.**

**The next story in this Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossover series will be Ralph and Norton, from the Honeymooner.**

**Regards,**

**Ra'Ay'Mond.**

9


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